Chapter Text
Buck
Walking into the station the next morning felt surreal; Buck almost left the moment he drove into the lot. It didn’t help that Eddie’s fancy new truck wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
His duffel hung loosely on his shoulder as he stepped inside the large bay doors, an overwhelming calm settling over him. It was similar to the one he got every time he stepped inside Eddie’s house.
He avoided the common spaces, not yet ready to greet everyone. He’d just seen them the night before, but that’d been different. Being back at the station was giving Buck a lot of nervous energy that he didn’t know where to put.
Buck dressed in his uniform then opened his locker, the one he shared with Eddie, placing his stuff inside. He paused at the picture taped to the door. Next to the one’s of Chris was one of him and Chris…the one from the carnival that they’d taken the day of the tsunami. Eddie must’ve printed it out and taped it there; the original was long gone with the storm.
Buck lifted a finger to the photo and brushed a shaky finger over it. For Eddie, it was a cute picture, but for Buck, it was a reminder of one of the worst days of his life. He quickly closed the locker, wincing when it slammed a little too hard.
Taking in a deep breath, Buck looked around and headed up the stairs, unsure of what awaited him.
What if Eddie wasn’t coming in? What if the others didn’t want him back? What if he wasn’t as ready as Bobby thought he was? What if Bosko was really replacing him?
Buck nearly ran back down the stairs the second he reached the landing.
Instead, he was greeted with two smiling faces, Hen and Chimney standing to meet him.
“Buckaroo, it’s good to have you back buddy!”
Buck easily accepted their hugs, some of his anxiety fading away.
“We got you something,” Hen announced, waving him over to the table.
There was a cake there, one littered with sprinkles and one of Buck’s shots from the LAFD calendar shoot from the year before. Buck meant to laugh, but tears slipped out instead.
Hen and Chimney shared a look, then stepped toward him, pausing.
Hen reached for him and placed her hand over his shoulder reassuringly. “Buck, is it—we didn’t want to do the whole banner thing and overwhelm you, but…”
Buck waved them off as he sniffed and used the back of his hand to wipe his tears away.
“It’s um, it’s just…well I guess I was afraid no one would want me back, after um, after all I’ve put you guys through.”
Chimney stepped up then to place another reassuring hand to his opposite shoulder.
“Buck, you got stuck under a ladder truck and then swept away by a tsunami. You’re allowed some time to grieve.”
Buck shrugged.
“I’ve uh, I’ve been in a pretty dark place. Wasn’t sure you guys would still want me around.”
“Of course we still want you around,” Hen reiterated with another squeeze of her hand. Chimney smiled over to him, wide and reassuring. “It’s been too quiet without you around here.”
Buck gave a roll of his eyes but found himself smiling as Chimney clapped him on the shoulder before pulling away.
“Thanks guys, I’m-I’m glad to be back.”
Bobby came out from his office then, greeting Buck wholly.
“Hey kid, good to see you back. How’re you feeling?”
“Uh good Cap. Ready-ready to be back.”
He was hoping he sounded more confident that he felt.
Bobby clasped him at the shoulder. “Glad to hear it son. Alright, everyone gather for morning announcements.”
They all nodded and moved downstairs with Bobby and met the others.
Bosko greeted everyone as they came down, Buck frowning a little before quickly turning it into a half smile.
“Buckley, good to see you again,” Lena said in greeting.
Buck nodded, unsure of what to say. They’d seen each other just the night before, but being there in the station, his station, well, it felt a little different.
Bosko’s hand landed on his arm, Buck trying not to shake it away.
“Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I promise I’m not here to replace you. I’m just as eager to get back to my own station and team as you are.”
She smiled to him and Buck found himself doing the same in turn. Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all.
Buck took a seat on the end next to Hen, his eyes darting all around. He tried to listen to what Bobby was saying, knowing that he both wanted and needed to make a good impression, but he couldn’t help but to look around for Eddie. Where the hell was he?
Buck’s leg shook anxiously as he tried to focus, Bobby’s voice sounding like one of the parents’ voices from the Charlie Brown shows.
He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his own skin until a warm and sturdy hand pressed down onto his leg, stilling him in place.
“Relax Buck, you’re safe.”
Buck turned at the familiar voice, Eddie’s browns warm and inviting.
“You’re here.”
Eddie gave him a soft smile as one of his fingers tapped along Buck’s thigh.
“I told you I wouldn’t miss it.”
Buck smiled back, their moment quickly interrupted when Bobby called Eddie out.
“Diaz, nice of you to join us.”
Eddie pulled his hand back, Buck missing the contact in an instant.
“Sorry Cap, I overslept. Won’t happen again.”
Bobby nodded at him once before continuing on with the announcements.
Buck frowned. Eddie didn’t sleep in. He was always up at ridiculously odd hours, his days in the army still ingrained into his routine.
The bell rang before he could question Eddie or tune back into Bobby, everyone on their feet and grabbing for their gear in an instant. Buck made to move, but Bobby held him back.
“You’re man behind today, Buck.”
He was being punished already, and the shift hadn’t even started.
As if reading his mind, Bobby ducked his head to catch Buck’s attention. “Hey, you’re not being punished, Buck, but I want to ease you back into this. I told you, your job’s not going anywhere.”
Buck shook his head in understanding as he took a deep breath and tried not to let the panic seep in.
He watched with sadness as his teammates suited up and made for the truck. A familiar hand came over his shoulder, Eddie’s reassuring smile following him.
“Go find that clipboard of yours and find some probie to boss around while we’re gone, yea?”
Buck ducked his head with a bashful smile, Eddie resting his hand there a moment longer before pulling away and going to join the others.
As the engines pulled away, Buck was left stood there alone.
The urge to leave crept in once more, Buck pushing it back down. He could do this.
Buck moped around the station for a while before taking Eddie’s advice and finding a clipboard. He didn’t boss anyone around though. Half the fun in that was Eddie being on the other end of it, his best friend always indulging him.
The shift went on much the same, Buck mulling around until his teammates came back, all of them gathering round till they were inevitably called out again.
He called Maddie more to calm his nerves than anything, his sister answering on the second ring.
“Are you calling me from work?”
Buck could hear the excitement in her voice.
“Yea Mads. Well, I’m at work, but I can’t exactly say I’m working….Bobby’s got me as man behind today.”
“Hey, at least you’re there. I’m so proud of you.”
He’d been hearing that a lot lately. It was nice, and made him feel good about himself, but Buck wasn’t quite sure he was proud of himself yet. Maybe when he didn’t feel like bolting every five seconds his thoughts would change.
“Thanks. It uh, it feels weird to be here, but a good weird I guess.”
“That’s good. Did you like your cake? Chimney sent pictures.”
Of course he had. Buck had eaten a couple slices, more to kill time than anything.
“Yea, it was nice. Um, I kind of…had a meltdown over it though.”
“Chimney told me that too.”
Buck sighed. Sometimes he hated that his sister and friend/coworker were dating. Not really; he’d never been happier for his sister, Chimney too. They were exactly what the other needed.
“He’s just worried about you Evan. We all are.”
Buck wished they didn’t have to be, that he could just get his sh*t together so everyone would stop walking on eggshells around him.
“They just got back Mads, I have to go. Love you.”
“I love you too. Let me know if you need anything.”
Buck hated that he’d lied to his sister, again, but he could only take so much vulnerability for one day.
The rest of the shift remained as uneventful, well, for Buck anyway.
Eddie didn’t say much to him and Buck tried not to take it personally, even though he was pretty sure Eddie was flat out avoiding him at some points. Buck could see some of the bruises from his fight peeking through his uniform, his lip swollen a bit in the corner. If anyone else noticed, they didn’t say.
Buck ached to reach out to him, to soothe the sting that he knew lingered. He didn’t though. Their kiss last night hadn’t changed anything. Buck was starting to wonder if he’d made it worse.
When their shift came to an end, Buck waited by his jeep that Eddie had parked next to.
“Hey,” Buck said as a greeting as Eddie shuffled out.
Eddie seemed a little surprised to see him stood there, like he’d forgotten he’d parked next to Buck.
“Hey. How was your first shift?”
The question sounded genuine, though still a little off.
“Uh it was good, ok, I guess. I wanted to be back out there with you guys.”
Eddie looked down at the ground before glancing back up to him.
“It’s just gonna take time Buck. Bobby will let you when he thinks you’re ready.”
It wasn’t the answer Buck had been expecting, especially from Eddie. He thought his best friend would be happy to have him back out there, as his partner, the one who had his back.
“Yea, I guess….” Buck trailed off and looked Eddie over. “Um are we ok after-after last night? I know I shouldn’t have done that, and—
Eddie held up his hand between them.
“We’re good Buck. Promise. I’m just tired.”
Buck tugged in his lower lip, and chewed on it anxiously.
“Ok. You uh, you aren’t sleeping? Because you came in late and said you over slept, but you never—”
“Buck. Leave it.”
Eddie’s words were firm, but they didn’t stop Buck.
“Ok, I-I get it, but you said that-that you wanted me to be honest, to talk to you and—and I’m trying here Eddie.”
Eddie sighed as he tilted his head back and forth.
“I know you are Buck. I need to go get Chris from school, but I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Buck wanted to push, but thought better of it. If Eddie didn’t want to talk to him, then Buck understood. It wasn’t like he deserved answers after all he’d put Eddie through.
“Yea uh see-see you tomorrow.”
Unlike the night before, there was no kiss, or lingering touches, just as simple nod from Eddie as he turned and got into his truck and drove off, leaving Buck standing there feeling more useless than he had all day.
~
Eddie
Eddie lifted a finger up to his lips and brushed it across them, as if he could still feel the phantom touch of Buck.
Although the kiss from last night had been unexpected, it wasn’t unwarned. Eddie wasn’t sure how he’d managed to stop once they’d started.
Eddie let his head fall to his hands as he rested his arms over his knees. He could hear the crowd from where he was, already hyped and chanting his name. Last night, Eddie had promised it was his last fight, that he was going to find a healthier outlet. Then Buck kissed him and said he still wasn’t ready, Eddie knowing he wasn’t either. It didn’t help that in the morning he’d had to see Buck again, back at work and ready to go.
Eddie wasn’t really dealing it all that great. He wasn’t dealing at all, if he were being completely honest.
Buck being back with them at the 118 and as his partner was the ideal—it’s what Eddie had been wanting for months. But after everything they’d been through lately, Eddie suddenly felt unsure about it.
There was the fact that he still had no idea what him and Buck were. Sure, they wanted to be together, but neither of them could seem to make it work. And then there was also Eddie’s fear. What if something happened to Buck while they were on a call? What if he got seriously hurt again, or worse. Eddie shuddered just to think about it. Nearly losing Buck twice had been enough for him, thank you very much.
It was how Eddie ended up back at the fight club after work, full of hurt and adrenaline. He needed to hit someone, something, just anything that would get him out of his head. He was so damn tired of feeling helpless, weak.
Eddie stripped off his hoodie before tightening his gloves over his hands. He stopped when he remembered his watch, Eddie unclasping it, his fingers lingering there.
His bracelet, the one he’d gotten so accustomed to wearing wasn’t there. Guilt sunk in.
Just before leaving, Eddie had made a split-second decision. He’d taken off the green Mike Wazowski bracelet not for the first time since Buck had clasped it over his wrist, leaving it at home; he usually strapped it to his duffel bag. He felt awful about it in an instant, but it didn’t stop him. Buck wouldn’t be able to track him if it wasn’t with him.
Shaking the thought away, Eddie tossed his watch into his duffel before fitting his other glove over his hand and making his way out.
The crowd went wild as him and his opponent entered the cage, Eddie moving from side to side as he readied himself.
He lost himself in the moves in an instant, Eddie’s hands moving in front of himself to protect him, while also swinging them out to hit his opponent.
The guy managed to take him down to the ground and kneed him pretty good in the ribs, but Eddie got right back up, barely noticing the pain. It was a rush of adrenaline, one Eddie intended to use to his advantage.
Eddie managed to get the man down before giving a kick of his own. He went in hard then, punching the guy several times in a row before his opponent slipped away. The guy came back with an uppercut to his lip, Eddie grunting loudly before finishing the man off with a kick right to his face. The guy was down in an instant as the crowd went wild, hollering in his success.
Eddie swiped at the sweat and blood on his face as he looked around, taking it all in. It felt good, powerful. It was certainly a high Eddie could get used to.
His victory was short lived as Eddie heard a strange choking sound. He turned to see his victim laid there, convulsing. Eddie moved toward him in an instant. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
Eddie crouched down next to the man and grabbed his face, his first responder instincts kicking in immediately.
He shouted for someone to call 9-1-1, but no one was having it. The entire thing was illegal, so Eddie understood, but the man’s airway was blocked. Was someone’s life really worth not getting caught? Eddie sure didn’t think so.
Eddie placed the guy into the recovery position as he took matters into his own hand. It didn’t appear anyone was going to be helping him out.
Reaching up and into the guy’s mouth, Eddie gritted his teeth as he pulled something free. It was part of the guy’s nose. He must’ve knocked it into the guy’s cranial cavity when he broke his nose.
“He’s gonna start leaking spinal fluid,” Eddie muttered mostly to himself more than anyone else.
Panic and shouts began to start around him, Eddie standing up and snatching the nearest phone he could find and calling 9-1-1. He wasn’t letting the guy die over some stupid fight, regardless of the consequences.
After making the call, the place cleared out pretty quickly, Eddie left to deal with the mess on his own.
Eddie made quick work to sit the guy up and lean him against the fence. He set the piece of his nose in obvious view of the paramedics before making himself scarce.
He waited upstairs after grabbing his stuff to make sure the guy was in good hands, Eddie watching as the medics came in and took over. With all the commotion and police now on scene, there really wasn’t anywhere for him to go.
Eddie spotted Lena just before she cornered him.
“So, are you the one who saved him, or the one who almost killed him?”
Eddie crossed his arms as he looked away from her, shame and guilt settling in.
“Both.”
“What the hell, Eddie?
Eddie sighed as he tried to brush her off.
“Look, can we talk about this later? I need to get out of here.”
Lena rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh as she began to shrug off her turnout coat, Eddie looking her over curiously.
“What are you doing?”
Lena scoffed. “Saving myself the trouble of having to bail you out of jail again.”
She handed the coat over, Eddie taking it and reluctantly shrugging it on. He followed her out, Eddie keeping his head low until he reached his truck.
Lena looked him over, a heavy sigh falling past her lips.
“You know, you’re really lucky your crew isn’t on shift right now and that I decided to take this overtime.”
Eddie didn’t really feel grateful, not for the look on her face.
“Thanks,” Eddie said with a clearing of his throat. “Let me know what hospital you guys drop him off at. I’ll uh, I’ll make sure he’s ok.”
“You knocked his nose into his brain, Eddie. He ain’t ok.”
“Look, I did my best to help him.” Eddie shook his head. “I’m the one who called 9-1-1.”
He knew it didn’t make it all better, but he’d tried his best. What else was he supposed to do?
Lena looked him over again, almost as if she were trying to figure out who he was. Eddie didn’t even know these days.
“How long have you been fighting here?”
Eddie shrugged. “The promoter saw me fighting at the junkyard a few weeks ago, offered me a shot. It pays pretty good….” He trailed off, letting Lena infer the rest.
Lena shook her head. “That’s not why you’re doing this. Fighting was supposed to be a healthy outlet, not an obsession.”
“It’s not.” Eddie could quit anytime he wanted to, thank you very much. “It just—got out of hand tonight.”
“I bet.”
Lena was obviously unimpressed, Eddie not in the mood to care.
“Does anyone else know about this?”
Eddie looked away from her as more guilt crept in.
“Buck might’ve…found me here last night.”
Lena scoffed with another shake of her head.
“Unbelievable.” She turned away from him almost in disgust. “Let me guess, he doesn’t know you’re here again tonight, does he?”
“Does it matter?” Eddie spat back.
“Look, I was ok bailing you out of jail once, but how do you think Buck would feel about that, or your other teammates? That guy you knocked out was so punch drunk he couldn’t even lift his hands to protect himself. What were you thinking?” When Eddie didn’t answer right away, Lena came closer, the worry evident in her voice. “Eddie, you need to talk to someone!”
“You know what? Just save the lecture.”
He didn’t need any of her arguments. He was fine.
B-shift called out for her, Bosko giving him a final look in warning.
“We’re not done talking about this.”
“Yea,” was all Eddie got out, a ‘whatever,’ on the tip of his tongue.
Bosko took off and left him there, Eddie sat on the back of his tailgate only with himself to blame. He was starting to get why Buck felt like such a f*ckup.
~
Eddie hadn’t ended up getting much sleep, what with Bosko’s lecture on his mind and making sure the guy he’d knocked out was going to be ok.
The guilt was all but eating him alive.
All he’d wanted was to go home and hug his son, but he wasn’t there. Eddie had sent him away to his abuelas so he could go knock someone’s nose in. Buck hadn’t been there either, Eddie having made sure of that by brushing him off and leaving the tracker bracelet behind. He’d spent the night alone, hating himself all the more.
Walking in through the bay doors, duffel slung over his shoulder, Eddie kept his head down, wanting to avoid his teammates for as long as possible. He wasn’t ready to deal with Lena, to lie to Buck, again.
His avoidance tactics were short lived.
“Diaz. Up here now.”
Eddie looked up to see Bobby leant over the railing, a pensive look across his face. He was so f*cked.
Eddie played for casual and pointed toward the lockers.
“I was gonna go change.”
Bobby shook his head. “No, we talk first.”
Eddie was terrified to know what Bobby knew, or how.
Bobby walked away from the railing, Eddie turning to see Buck and Lena stood near the gym equipment, seemingly in hushed whispers. Their eyes met his, Eddie suddenly feeling a sense of betrayal. From who, he wasn’t sure.
“What’re you two talking about?” Eddie asked accusingly.
Bosko shrugged. “I was just showing lover boy here how to bulk up his arms.” She fake punched him for emphasis, Eddie not buying it. Buck’s arms were beefy enough, thank you very much.
“You told him, didn’t you?”
Buck glanced over to him, confusion written across his face.
“You should talk to your captain.”
“Did you tell him?” Eddie shook his head. “You sold me out, huh? I thought we were friends.”
Buck eyes widened as he looked between them, Eddie’s guilt creeping in.
Lena stepped closer, not backing down.
“What’s the name of my cat?”
Cat? Eddie didn’t even know if the woman had a cat.
“I know about your kid, your dead wife, your arrest record, I know about the guy you almost killed, and I know all about your lover boy over there.” Eddie stayed still as Lena looked him over. “So tell me Eddie, what’s the name of my cat?”
Eddie looked away from her while purposely avoiding Buck’s gaze as well, though he could see the hurt written all over it from the corner of his eye.
Eddie threw his hands in the air.
“I have no f*cking idea.”
“Exactly.”
Buck was suddenly next to Lena, Eddie no longer able to avoid his stare.
“Y-you were arrested? And what does she mean, ‘the guy you almost killed’?”
Everything was becoming too much, Eddie steadily shutting down. He couldn’t though. Everyone needed him to keep it together.
“I can’t do this right now. Cap wants to talk to me.”
Eddie turned away as Bosko shouted after him.
“We’re not friends Eddie, and by the way, I don’t even have a cat!”
God he was so f*cked.
Eddie hurried away from their lecture, only to run right into another.
“Look, Cap, I don’t know what Boskso told you—”
“She’s worried about you, and quite frankly, so am I.”
Eddie hated when people worried about him. He was supposed to be the strong one, the person everyone could count on.
“Take a seat.”
Reluctantly, Eddie pulled out a chair and set his duffel bag to the side, Bobby taking the seat diagonal from him.
Eddie let out a weighted sigh as he rubbed absently over his sore arm.
“It’s nothing. It’s—I’m fine.”
Maybe if he said it enough, Eddie himself would start to believe it too.
Eddie shook his head. “I just needed to let off some steam…things got a little out of—”
“Control?” Bobby asked, finishing his thought.
Eddie sat there silently, unsure of how to answer. He’d already f*cked up two other conversations that morning.
“That’s what this is about, right? You’re the guy who always keeps it together, no matter what life throws at you. You shake it off and keep moving forward.”
“Lots of people have it worse.”
He was alive, had a stable job, and a roof over his head. What did he have to complain about?
Bobby’s stare bored into him, Eddie feeling his emotions taking over. He hated it, hate losing control and feeling weak.
“Eddie, I just wanna make sure you don’t think you have to lose everything, before you can allow yourself to feel anything.”
Eddie felt like he’d been punched again, the invisible knife inside of him digging in deep.
He shook his head while trying to keep his emotions at bay. Bobby was wrong. He had to be. Right?
“No, Christopher needs me to be in control. I’m the only parent he has left, and I can’t let him down again.”
Bobby frowned. “When did you let him down before?”
Eddie laughed dryly. “When did I not let him down?”
He felt like such a failure as a father, like he couldn’t ever do anything right.
“I wasn’t there when he was a baby. Then I stayed away too long and it broke his mother. Shannon ran away, and I couldn’t stop her or bring her back home. So, I brought him here, and then I let her back into his life.”
“That’s what Christopher wanted,” Bobby argued.
Eddie laughed without humor.
“Yea but-but I knew better. She already left once and broke his heart.” Eddie took a breath as he fought back his tears that were already pooling in his eyes. “I was so afraid she was gonna do it again, and… she did.”
“She died, Eddie.”
Eddie took in a breath, as he choked back his sobs.
“Yea, after she told me she wanted-wanted a divorce.”
Eddie hadn’t told anyone that apart from Buck, one vulnerable night during helping Buck with his therapy. He hand’t quite been able to articulate it then, but Eddie knew he hand’t still been in love with Shannon, that he was only doing it for Christopher. Still, it hurt. Nobody wanted him.
Eddie quirked his mouth as he tried to push through his emotions.
“I’m—still mad. How stupid is that?” Eddie shook his head bitterly. “I’m angry at a dead person and at myself because I forgave her…for everything, and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
Eddie let his head fall as his emotions finally got the best of him. Bobby let him sit through it, Eddie lifting his head after a moment and absently swiped at his face. The tears kept coming, Eddie sniffling through them.
“And let’s not forget, I couldn’t even find my son after a tsunami, one I inevitably lead him and my best friend to. They could’ve died, and then—then I would’ve lost everything.”
Eddie let his head fall back as his tears ran down his face. God, he was so f*cking stupid.
Bobby reached to place a hand over his shoulder as Eddie sat back up. The man had become a father figure of sorts to Eddie over time, especially since Eddie had a rocky relationship with his own.
“Eddie, it’s not your fault, son. I know that Christopher loves you more than anything. You’re doing the best you can, and he is so proud of you.”
Eddie wasn’t really sure he believed that, but he was too overwhelmed with emotion to fight it.
“I also know that kid of mine downstairs would do anything for you, and sometimes that worries me, I’ll be honest. He’s been through a lot Eddie, but so have you. If you don’t learn to lean on people and take care of yourself, you can’t be there for them.”
Eddie gave a shake of his head, but didn’t say anything.
“You know that saying on airplanes, about the oxygen masks?”
Eddie nodded, already knowing where Bobby was going.
“You have to help yourself before you can help others, because if you run out of oxygen—”
“You can’t save anyone,” Eddie finished, Bobby shaking his head in approval.
Bobby looked him over a few moments before squeezing his shoulder and standing.
“I’ll give you a few minutes son.” A business card was suddenly slid in front of him, Eddie looking it over. “He’s a department therapist. I need you to go and see him, Eddie.”
It wasn’t a suggestion, but rather a demand, Eddie nodding in understanding.
Great. As if all the lectures lately hadn’t been bad enough, now he was going to have to sit through therapy. Talking about his feelings was Eddie’s least favorite past time. It wasn’t like he was repressed or anything.
~
After fixing himself up, Eddie went and got dressed, the atmosphere a little tense as he went and met the others for the morning announcements. Neither Buck or Bosko would look at him, Eddie knowing they were both for varying reasons. He’d been a sh*t friend, to both of them.
The bell went off before he got a chance to talk with either of them, one call leading them into the next. They all maintained a professionalism while on the job, but it all felt forced, Eddie hating it. Lena was short and snide, while Buck was quiet and distant. He’d prefer if Buck just yelled at him and got it all out.
There was barely any downtime during the day, both Buck and Lena seeming to disappear whenever Eddie acquired a free moment.
He finally managed to corner Lena towards the end of the shift, Eddie having seen Buck wander off to the bunk room. Talking to Buck was going to be a much more difficult conversation. Buck was his best friend. Bosko and him weren’t anything more than coworkers, after all.
“I’ve been a sh*t friend.”
It wasn’t his finest opening line, but it was a start.
Lena looked him over a bit unimpressed, but she didn’t brush him off, so he would take it.
“I’ve been so caught up in my head, I just—I didn’t even think about it. I’m sorry, for abusing our…well whatever we are. You didn’t deserve that.”
Lena nodded. “You’re right, I don’t.”
She wasn’t going to let him off easy. Eddie had much respect for the woman.
“I shouldn’t have let the fighting thing get so…out of control.” Eddie sighed as he clicked his tongue. “I just seem to keep f*cking things up lately.”
“Hey, you’re not a f*ckup Diaz, you’ve just been through a lot. You should talk to someone, seriously.”
Eddie held up the card Bobby had given him earlier.
“Bobby’s got that taken care of, thanks to you.” Lena wrinkled her nose at his wording. “I meant that sincerely, thank you. I’m not really a therapy guy, but I don’t think this whole fighting thing is really working either.”
“You can say that again.”
Bosko smiled at him, Eddie finding himself doing the same in turn.
“For the record, I didn’t say anything to Buckley. That’s not my place. But I guess I kind of outed you anyway, huh?”
Eddie shrugged. “Probably better to rip the band aid off all at once anyway.”
Lena gave a simple nod in answer as Eddie looked around them. “So, do you have any pets?”
Lena snorted. “Look, we can talk about my pets or lack thereof later. You should go find your boy. He’s been moping around here like a kicked puppy all day.”
Eddie much preferred when Buck was a cuddly and giddy golden retriever.
He exchanged a fist bump with Bosko before wandering off, Eddie nodding to Hen and Chimney as he walked past them and towards the bunk room.
Eddie let out a long exhale before pushing open the door and stepping in. His hopes of Buck being passed out on his bunk were quickly diminished.
Buck was laid out on Eddie’s bed, the man turned on his side and turned toward his own bed. Eddie stood there watching him a moment before Buck finally caught sight of him.
“Sorry,” Buck blurted out as he sat up, quickly repeating the phrase again. “Sor—I know you hate when I say that.”
Eddie waved him off and went to sit on the edge of his bed, Buck tucking his knees up as he closed in on himself.
“Buck, what do you have to be sorry for?”
Eddie had been the one acting like an idiot as of late.
“I just, well, it’s my fault.”
Eddie frowned as he turned towards Buck, placing his knee up on the bed and knocking it against Buck’s foot. “What’s your fault?”
“I haven’t-haven’t been honest with you lately, haven’t been around. I wouldn’t wanna talk to me either.”
Ouch.
Eddie hesitated a moment before reaching a hand out and placing it over Buck’s foot.
“Buck, it’s not your fault. I think we’ve both…been a little distant lately.”
Buck fidgeted with his hoodie string, but stayed put otherwise, not pulling away from Eddie’s touch.
“Did you really…go to jail?”
“Yea, it uh, was not my finest moment.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
Eddie sighed as he tapped a finger against Buck’s foot.
“I wanted to, but you weren’t exactly around at the time. It didn’t feel right asking when you told me you wanted space.”
Buck gave a short nod as he bit at the inside of his mouth.
“Yea I—-that’s fair.” There was a pause and then Buck added, “I would’ve though, come to get you, you know that, right?”
Eddie did know, it was why he hadn’t called.
“Yea Buck I know. We always have each other’s backs, right?”
That got a little smile out of Buck, Eddie scooting up closer to him as he pulled his hand away from Buck’s foot.
“What about uh the other—other part?”
“About nearly killing a guy?” Buck nodded. “It just happened. I guess I kicked the guy too hard and ended up breaking his nose and he almost choked on a piece of it.”
Buck wrinkled his nose for Eddie’s admission.
“I thought you were done with that?”
“I am. After last night, well, I guess that was the wakeup call I needed.”
“Last night?”
sh*t. One more omission Eddie had to make up for.
Eddie leaned himself back against the bed and tucked his own legs up. He tried to think of how to start, Buck beating him to it.
“You-you were home last night. I checked.”
“Why did you check?” Eddie found himself asking instead of answering the lingering question.
“I wanted—well you seemed distant yesterday. And when I tried to talk to you-you just, you left. I thought that maybe you weren’t…weren’t’ happy to have me back here.”
“Buck.” Eddie reached out a hand and placed it over Buck’s knee, wrapping his thumb underneath. “Of course I wanted, want, you back here.”
“Then why were you avoiding me all day?”
Be honest. It was what Eddie had been asking of Buck for months.
“I guess it was just a lot at once, and I kind of freaked out about it.” It wasn’t the full truth, but Eddie wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.
“How come your location said you were at home?”
Eddie let out a long sigh. He knew it was going to come back to that.
“Because I knew you would come looking for me if I wasn’t there, and I didn’t want you to find me. I didn’t want you to see me like that…again.”
Buck kicked his legs out so that they were rested in the space between them, Eddie pushing his own out to rest over Buck’s. They sat there for that like a minute, looking to each other with dopey smiles.
“I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me Eds. I know I haven’t really been good company lately, but I—I’m trying.”
“I know you are, Buck. To be honest, I’m not very good company at the moment either. You were the one I wanted to go to, but, well I guess I’m having a hard time letting go of—control”
Buck snorted. “You? Letting go of control.” Buck mocked surprise and Eddie kicked at him playfully.
“Would you do something with me?” Buck asked with a nudge to his leg.
Anything, Eddie wanted to answer, but it was a little too vulnerable, honest.
“Like what?”
“Well, I’ve been doing my therapy, and she said I should find some kind of outlet, you know like uh writing, or biking, or whatever.”
Eddie nodded. He’d often heard those terms; it was one of the reasons he disliked therapy.
“I tried, but they weren’t-weren’t really my thing. And then I remembered something I did with Maddie, when she first came back to town.”
Eddie arched a brow in interest. “And what was that?”
“Kickboxing?” Buck answered, a little hesitantly. When Eddie didn’t say anything, he quickly added, “it really helped her, to feel less afraid, and-and more in control. I thought that-that maybe we could do it together. I don’t really wanna go alone, and well, it’d be a healthier outlet than your cage fighting.”
“There was no cages Buck, just a ring.”
Buck rolled his eyes. “Whatever, you know what I mean.”
Eddie couldn’t help but to smile over at him.
“Together, huh?”
“Mmhmm.” Buck’s eyes looked so blue, so sincere. Eddie wanted to dive right into them.
Eddie placed his hand onto the bed between them, Buck’s slowly drifting over and tangling them together.
“I go where you go, Buck.”
If Buck was a wave, then Eddie was the current, the two pulling apart before falling right back together.
He would fight with Buck, for Buck. Eddie was ready to let go of a little control if it meant getting back some of what he’d lost.
